I started the second part of my post from last week but have decided to let it go. I sounded whiny and pathetic and well, that just isn't appealing. My main point was that I often let other influence me and decide what direction my life is going to take. In doing so I am giving other the power, some cases where it isn't deserved and other cases where the power isn't wanted. This is not fair to me or others. In doing what I think will make others happy, I am robbing myself. I don't get a chance to find out what a wonderful person I can be in my own right.
It's been relatively easy to let others make my choices for me. Making my own decisions means I am taking responsibility for my happiness. If things don't turn out as I hope, I cannot look to others. It is a little terrifying. I have plans for the future now, that are my own. They are plans, though, that will likely be hard on the family. They are plans that will require support of those around me. They might require me to be away from my family for extended periods of time, or at odd hours of night. They are plans that I am not even sure will lead me to where I am hoping to go (with the way things are in Canada at the moment in terms of midwifery care). There isn't an easy path to follow.
I do know, however, that if I don't try my hardest, then I will kick myself for letting my life pass me by without giving this goal of becoming a midwife a good shot. It means pushing myself in directions that I am not particularly comfortable going (AKA speaking in public). It's fine to be calm and quiet (and I think it serves me well in certain cases and I have a host of doula clients that appreciate my presence/support because it is non-obtrusive) but really, the state of patient care in Canada requires that we make a little noise. That we work to further things, that we NOT sit idle.
My first mission, is to talk to my neighbours! Yes, I've let myself become so concerned over what others might think of me that I don't make first contact with anyone. It's a shame as I am sure that there are a wonderful group of people out here in Cape Breton that won't bite me. I plan to look at people and smile more! I've always been able to work really well with people but it's always been up to them to make the first contact. After that I am good to go, but sometimes it's hard to get that first contact initiated so I'm going to try hard on my end as well.
Watch out world, here I come!